i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
