I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
