i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
