honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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