jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
