Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
