I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
