Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
