my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
