hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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