A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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