Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize