Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
