Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
