I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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