I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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