The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
