My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
this boner is exhausting
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
