he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
