What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
