what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
