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Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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