in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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