so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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