I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
