I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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