I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
