Sponge bath it is.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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