I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Randomize
