Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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