If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
