I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Is Oprah even human
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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