Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
