So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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