Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
