I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
