I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
