I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
