How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
