We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
