forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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