I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
