Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
