Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
