u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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