on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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