he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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