i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
