Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
