Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
