dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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