I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
did you just send me my own nude
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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