This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
